It’s more than likely you have given little or no thought to the local elections taking place on 1 May. After all, more than half the population will pay no attention to them on the day itself. If so, then the Tory party will be delighted. Long may it stay that way.
The Conservatives find themselves backed into a corner – desperate for an outbreak of national amnesia about the local elections but aware that they have to do something to mark the beginning of the campaign. Otherwise, it will just look as if they are running scared. Heads in the sand.
No one has done more to rehabilitate Rishi Sunak’s reputation than Kemi Badenoch
Which, of course they are. The only upside for the Tories is that some of the elections have been postponed due to local government reorganisation. For the rest of the seats, only disaster remains.
The last time these seats were contested was at the height of Boris Johnson’s popularity in 2021. That didn’t end so well and the Conservatives are, if anything, more toxic than they were at the general election last year. No one has done more to rehabilitate Rishi Sunak’s reputation than Kemi Badenoch.
So, on Wednesday, Conservative campaign headquarters sent out an email to lobby journalists, saying Kemi would be doing a local election campaign launch in Buckinghamshire – worded in a way that they hoped would automatically be forwarded to people’s spam. They were literally begging reporters to stay away. It’s going to be really boring, they said. Just local stuff. Not worth your time. You definitely won’t get a question. And no refreshments. Transport links next to impossible. You get the picture.
For those who were not so easily put off, CCHQ had some other suggestions. Perhaps you might like to go to the movies instead. How about we offer you tickets to see Macbeth at the Bridge? The show has been sold out for months.
Or, if that didn’t excite you, then what about a day trip to Nice? All flights paid. Lunch on the beach thrown in. The Med is gorgeous in the spring. Anything. Anything you like. Just please, please don’t show up in Buckinghamshire.
Unfortunately, the message didn’t seem to have got through to the broadcasters. There is no political event too meta – one that exists only because someone has decided there ought to be one to mark the occasion as one of no importance – that doesn’t end up on the rolling news channels. Pointlessness is now worn as a badge of honour by all TV stations. If it moves, it’s news. So, much to Kemi’s and CCHQ’s disappointment, the event they wanted to be a non-event became an event after all.
After brief introductions from Kevin Hollinrake and Nigel Huddleston – has any party leader had less inspiring warmup acts? – Badenoch took to the makeshift stage in front of a couple of dozen Tory councillors. Most of them shortly to be ex-councillors. Desperation was etched in their eyes alongside the fixed grins.
Her key-opening message was that the situation was hopeless. No one liked the Tories.
Kemi herself looked as if she was starring in her own hostage video. Everything about her demeanour shouted: “Get me out of here.” Even for a woman who gives the impression of hating her job, this was a new career low.
Neither is she very good at disguising her feelings. She knows her stay as Tory leader is almost certainly time limited – most of her MPs and party members are already expressing buyer’s remorse – and she reckons she’s got better things to do than this. It was only one step up from handing out raffle prizes at a Tory fundraiser.
Some might call it pragmatism. Realism, even. More likely, with KemiKaze is that she just no longer gives a shit. Most party leaders might have tried to soft-soap their audience. Give the councillors and party activists a reason to hope. A reason to get up in the morning and go out canvassing. Trying to secure a handful more votes.
That’s not the Kemi way. She basically just looked everyone in the eye and told them they were dead men – and women – walking. There was no point to anything. We might as well kill ourselves now.
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Her key opening message was that the situation was hopeless. No one liked the Tories. The brand was kryptonite. There was no way they weren’t toast. They were on course to lose every council in the country that they had held.
Kemi shrugged as some in the audience burst into tears. Others reached into their pockets for the Valium. OK, she conceded, maybe we can hang on to one council. But only if we are very, very lucky. And the voters are more stupid – sorry, forgiving – than the polls suggest.
Having lowered everyone’s expectations as far as she dared, Kemi quickly rattled through the rest of her speech. Only the Tories could be trusted to keep council taxes low, she said. Lying through her teeth. On average, Tory-run councils have increased local taxes by 23% over the past five years. But by now Badenoch wasn’t much concerned with telling the truth. Just about getting to the end and getting the hell out of Buckinghamshire as soon as possible.
“Labour has no understanding of rural areas,” she went on. Pots and kettles. One of the reasons Kemi has become so unpopular with Tory members is that she is perceived as having no interest in the countryside. She doesn’t feel safe unless she is inside the M25.
She ended with a swipe at Reform. All celebrity hot air. No delivery. Hmm. It’s not entirely clear the Tories have delivered that much in the past 10 years. Other than a broken economy and a failing NHS.
Reluctantly, Kemi took a few desultory questions from broadcasters who were also going through the motions. More out of politeness than genuine interest. What was the difference between the Tories and Reform? Other than Reform are increasing in popularity and the Tories are declining. Er … “We have a plan,” she said. And what was that plan? The plan was to have no plan until such time as a plan was needed.
Would that do? It would have to. Kemi had done her bit. Now she could escape back to London. A member of the audience suggested she take a selfie with them all. She duly obliged. Be nice to have a memento of the last time they were all in a job.
